dear Ms. Peirano,
I’m actually happily married and have since a year a Lover. What began as a harmless affair, with the Knowledge of my husband, has developed within a very short time to a relationship, I find much of what I miss in my marriage. My lover is much younger than me (12 years), but for his age a very Mature person. He is incredibly caring, he would get me the stars from the sky, for him I am the big love. He is passionate, full of ideas, is incredibly interested versatile. With him I feel alive – but we also have a deep trust – and intellectually challenging relationship. He has separated from his wife, even before the beginning of our relationship in the room. My husband and my lover met, and don’t like your kind, a close friendship, it is understandable.
and I have been together for ten years with my husband, we know each other for very much longer, since seven years we are married. My husband is ten years older than me and has a few more years until retirement. He has three children and financial obligations. I took over the payments for the house and the child entertained, because he would otherwise have been insolvent. We came together after I had solved a hapless marriage, which was marked by alcohol abuse, lies and Cheating through my Ex-husband. My husband was a treat for me – calm, rational. He is a man who says about himself that he had autistic traits. He loves me for sure, however, is neither in words nor deeds, overly caring. I am a full time job and often have long, stressful days, the time for our operation. We often have quarrels, because he is in the household, only the most necessary of All is doing – it’s all messy and dirty, and he accuses me then, he cannot clean up because of my disorder. I’m also the one who buys and cooks. We lead otherwise a quiet, unexciting marriage.
Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love
I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.
information about my therapeutic work, see www.julia-peirano.info.
you Have questions, problems, or heartache? Please write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page).
I’m sure that he tolerated the second relationship, because he knows that I would choose against him, if he puts me before a choice. Who represents me, but now the choice is my beloved to all and not just a little bit of life with me. That I’m breaking up, actually, from the beginning to the debate. I find I can’t leave my husband. It is completely economically dependent on me and would be left with Nothing. I can’t leave him but after such a long time is easy and the company we have built together, may also result in none of us alone. I have taken responsibility! On the other hand, I wonder how we can lead long at all, my husband is older and less resilient. It is also unfair for him to maintain that he is older, quiet, “boring”, I knew right from the start.
And: I have not had a relationship that has for more than ten years. Maybe it is just me, maybe I’m capable of, to bind me to a human, maybe I have to search for me in ten years, the next Partner? I am also completely clear that my lover is not perfect, there are points that interfere with each other to each other, but I think that we could live with it.
you see, I’m torn. Do you have Ultrabet any advice for me? In the case of my husband and the other relationship is a little bit unfortunate, but at least safe? Or, once again to start all over again (and my husband deeply unhappy) – if not now, then when?
greetings,
Barbara Z.
dear Barbara,
When reading your lines it came to me as if you not only – and are caught in the middle, but little access to their own feelings. Take the true not really, but are very sensitive to what Others want from you.
her husband wants to be supplied by you. He’s not coming alone really. Apparently, he could care little about you. His interest is not there, you lose as a Supplier.
J. Peirano: The secret Code of love “I have three small children, in the evening I am ready for Sex my man”
frustrated, you seem to his desires very strongly. Why is this so? Have you made in your Childhood experiences that you have brought to the role of the Strong, Reasonable? This does not happen often, if the parents fill their role, because they are mentally ill or a substance abuse disorder. In such families, we met then 11-year-old children, cooking for the whole family, cleaning and shopping and their parents with advice and act to the side. Or children, the worry about how to earn enough money to keep the family above water.
What was your personal reason for this, again (to your problem of the first man) burdened to look for a man who is in big financial trouble? And this man to the likes of the financial obligations (even the kids!) lose weight?
it Is important for you to be used? Can you imagine a relationship difficult, in which each carries his own load and they need each other not in a existence-preserving sense?
In answering this question is the crux of your question is for me. You write nothing of your feelings for your husband. Your reason to stay together with him, is your sense of responsibility to him. Theoretically, there are numerous ways to support your husband after a separation, and to lead him to the company. You should not let him fall, even if you had a different Partner. There are many couples after a separation and common accounts and, for example, work in a doctor’s practice as a Partner.
J. Peirano: The secret Code of love “I’m 51, my marriage failed and the children have to write your own life”
your feelings to your friend you little. At first glance, you could you to such a vibrant and soulful relationship complimentingen. You have found in him a man who loves you, on my hands is wearing and where you can find a lot of valuable things. But what slowed them down in their desire to be with this man together? My guess is that you don’t feel, in the degree used, in the you are used to. This man does not need you, because he’s up to his neck in trouble. He loves you and meets you eye-to-eye. Maybe you should be with him, the Weaker or something from him to accept.
I suppose, that deep-rooted issues from her Childhood to show that love can’t work, as it is with your friend. You feel attracted to again and again, partners cannot (live without you).
J. Peirano: The secret Code of love “I’m having an affair and in love with him – but he does not want to separate from his wife”
How would it be if you deal with the help of a systematic therapy, or a psychodynamic psychotherapy with your Childhood and try to recognize these old patterns and question? I fear that it is they do in their choice of partners again and again of their own needs in the back and in order.
Only if they have changed on the inside, you can engage in new patterns of relationship. And I’m pretty sure that you will be so happy and fulfilled.
greetings,
Julia Peirano
