dear Ms. Peirano,

I (36) it is clear that in my environment felt ALL the pairs offspring wars. My Friends now have almost all of the first or second child, in our house, a whole fleet of vehicles of the stroller. I always go fast on it, but still, I am tense and it makes me in a bad mood. If I have Friends with children visits (Babyshower…), I can enjoy myself to a certain degree. But I also cried already secretly on the toilet. I feel like an outsider, when everything revolves around the kids, and I’m not a mother, but now four times godmother.

I can’t have children, since then, for me, with 34 abdominal surgery went wrong. My friend don’t mind, he didn’t necessarily have children of their own. But the closer I approach 40, the clearer it becomes to me that I never want to have children. Adoption is also impossible and actually nothing for me.

Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love

I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.

information about my therapeutic work, see www.julia-peirano.info.

you Have questions, problems, or heartache? Please write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page).

I actually have a very fulfilling life. A friend, an interesting Job, friends, a nice home, a good contact to my parents. But it is never the same as it would be to have children. This is a gap that nothing can fill.

you Can help me?

your Elli B.

love Elli B.,

I would like to assure you that your feelings are completely understandable and absolutely normal. It is very sad that you have no children of their own. Especially when it’s always their perspective on life was to start a family! This pain and sadness will not heal in the blink of an eye, but it takes often years and many tears, to fill the gap, bring the children, you will not have in your life.

There are a few guides that will show you for sure how it is other women concerned and give an idea of what the next steps are. I recommend you the books, for example,”We without you” by Stephanie Katerle and “I am a woman without children” by Susanne Zehetbauer.

Simple patent solutions there are naturally. For many women, it helps if you put a spiritual “Baby” and, for example, professionally, with some very Satisfying self-employed. A well-Known has an Agency for individual travel to Africa and Asia, she is aware that you could not do this project with all of the travelling with children. Other couples to make a small family hotel or set up a yoga centre.

For dog lovers, a dog (or several dogs) sometimes plays a little set of Children. He needs a lot of care, lot of love, it must be cared for, and loved…

it is Much more important, however, that you deal with your grief. There are different phases in the grief process that must be gone through, so that the Dinamobet grief can be overcome and a space for a new perspective on life. In the next Phase, if you did not complete the Phase before complete. And that means: patience, patience and again patience (not exactly a popular feature in this fast-paced time).

The first Phase a “is often Not True.” In this Phase you already have. Although you nachklappert, apparently, from time to time, a little “” as you write.

The second Phase, outpouring of emotions. As you will note, most of these feelings are unpleasant: sorrow, inner Emptiness, and envy at women with children, Struggle with his own fate, anger at the Doctors, the surgery was back then (do you feel that? It is entitled?), Pain….

In this Phase, you are just stuck.

It is very important that you take time for your feelings and for example, regularly write a diary. (Structure: first of all let out, and from the soul to write, and as the last paragraph to answer the question: what do I need now?).

If you have any problems with the stroller in your house, you could use the be aware to get your feelings out. It might sound a bit strange, but for once, the kids would talk cars with you while you go past. Listen carefully – what say you?

to Write these feelings and thoughts aware of or discuss with Friends. By the way, it would be good if you are looking for some Friends who are also childless and happy with that. Best Girlfriends are a little older than you and not expect that you will get children.

Rage, grieve, let out your pain. The best is always at certain times (either every day at a certain time or on a certain evening, and it’s better for you).

Only if you have lived your feelings, you will have cleared out and space is created. And in order to be open for the next phases:

Phase 3: The Search for new content, Gaining new ideas and Open to New ideas.

This Phase is very intense because you will meet brand new and also with their environment. Maybe there is a new project in work, travel, a dream-property of said dog, or …???

And in Phase 4 you then come up with the best results from Phase 3 back to reorganise and stability. You will find peace with yourself and your life.

Overall, it is a very rewarding growth process that you have. The trigger is at the Moment very painful, but if you use this crisis well, they will grow in any case.

greetings,

Julia Peirano