Passive-aggressive behavior involves indirect expression of hostile or negative feelings instead of open, direct communication. Here’s how to deal with it.
Imagine: Your co-worker, with whom you normally get along well, avoided you at lunch, then grumbled when you offered to get him coffee. He’s clearly upset with you, but doesn’t want to bring it up. This is typical passive-aggressive behavior — a characteristic of people who have difficulty handling conflict. As a public speaking trainer, John Bowe has found that the best way to deal with passivity-aggression is to gently counteract it with counteraction: acting quickly and communicating directly and openly.
It takes courage. But with practice, your fear of confrontation will lessen. When dealing with passivity-aggression, stay calm and do three things:
In just seven words, this last question often solves the problem instantly. If the person tells you what’s upset them, you’ll likely return to normal, cordial interactions immediately. Maybe you’ll realize it was a misunderstanding. Maybe it’s something deeper that will take time to resolve.
Either way, what’s crucial to handling this moment successfully is that after you ask the question, you shut up and listen. When your colleague responds, pause. This may not make sense to you. This may seem unfair or inaccurate. But don’t respond until you’ve taken the time to absorb it.
If he’s upset for a reason that warrants an apology, behave diplomatically. A true and powerful apology never includes an excuse or defense. Focus on what you did wrong and nothing else. Don’t assume it’s obvious that you’re sorry. Say the actual words “I’m sorry,” and mean it.
Most important of all, resist the urge to argue. The goal is not to be right or to prove your colleague wrong. Your goal is to restore a safe space for conversation. Don’t apologize if it seems wrong. But thank the person opposite for agreeing to have the conversation.
