Hello Dr. Peirano,

My friend (39) and I (31) for 2.5 years in a relationship and have now decided to move in together. My friend has a three year old son and he spends every second weekend and two days during the week with us.

Only a short time before we had started Dating, his Ex-girlfriend and his son with him, moved out and the separation was not easy. There were just too much hatred and accusations behind the separation, so that our new relationship with her called no cute reactions.

Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love

I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.

information about my therapeutic work, see www.julia-peirano.info.

you Have questions, problems, or heartache? Please write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page).

Actually, for me, was the late 20’s already clear that I would not have children, however, I am from the beginning with the Little one very well and he has got used very quickly to me, and the new circumstances. We have often made trips to Third-party and soon it was completely normal that we end the week with a Third spent.

After we were together a year and a half and I was able to experience for the first Time in my life, how nice, a father-and-child can drain relationship, in fact, I have proclaimed to my boyfriend that I can imagine, to reason with him a family.

Unfortunately, the sobering reaction of my friend came. He said that he would like to experience a separation, when a child is involved, never again. So another child for him is out of the question. Marry he would, and grow old with, and he wants to be with me.

after further Trying and a lot of time, I have taken up the issue again, but he persists in his opinion. In addition, the comment that he would like to be an “old” father, and with 40 more children get comes now. Since I’m currently in a course of study in addition to the Job, it will take at least another 3-4 years until I have a steady Job.

The whole Situation has now unconsciously, or out of Spite of my behavior compared to the Small. I live with my boyfriend and his child, and I have to say, nor can I step in and, e.g., comfort, and the is not enough for me. In addition, the Small is allowed to do what he wants and is not brought up throughout the day, which corresponds to my idea of education, but what I can enforce.

It feels like a family, but I will never have decisions for the Small meeting, and influencing the educational process. I’m not going to be let alone time for important events, such as school Enrollment or birth days, because the mother of the Little will never accept me in your child’s life. Also, the fact that the contact with the Ex is on a daily basis makes me to create. I often feel like the third wheel on the wagon and can currently do is enjoy the time-to-time really.

However, I was never so happy in a relationship and I can’t imagine otherwise, with a long future together with my friend. If there are two of us, then this world will remain for a short period of time.

Anja G.

dear Anja, G.,

I can understand that you are disappointed in your relationship, and disillusioned. The statement that your friend can imagine, according to his terrible separation, a separation with a child, from his experience, while absolutely understandable, but you still a vote of no confidence. There is something with sounds like: “I expect that we will separate both of us,” and “if we separate, it will be a terrible separation that would be carried out on the backs of our child.”

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Elli after a botched OP, no children. Your friends, neighbors – they all seem to have young talent. Only you not. You will suffer, because you fear that this gap can be filled in your life never.

This pill is bitter, because they are quasi-lumped in with his Ex-girlfriend, and that’s not good, especially in the case of the strained relationship you have with her.

Anyway, I have the impression that much is still unclear and many of the roles are mixed.

On the one hand, your friend lives with you and is also reflected in the common time with his son. This speaks for a strong bond. On the other hand, you have to tell the son anything. Just in front of a small child, it would be appropriate, however, that you set up rules for both Education (e.g., “you must eat, what was on the plate” or “everyone helps set the table”). The rules relating to their life together, they should be allowed to not necessarily shape. What affects decisions on Kindergarten/ school / Hobbies etc., is asked in the first line of your Partner, but it would be for her role as a stepmother certainly benefit, if he asks you for advice, and, just because you have an interest in the child.

Very difficult and awkward Situation that you are not “be excluded as a solid partner out of family events because his Ex-girlfriend, you accepted”. Here you can get from your friend is a very bad Signal in terms of their Position. You are a little in the shade, and may not take care of the child, if the Ex-girlfriend. But in Public, they dictated him the conditions in the spring. It would be very important that you talk with your friend on this point and insist that he stands by them, even in front of his Ex-girlfriend. And if you are not ready to celebrate together with you, birthday or Enrollment, it would still be possible to celebrate separately.

With their exclusion is not to be understood of the son of your partner that you can count, but only his biological parents. But there is now a new model of the family: The father has a new life partner, and the mother is currently alone. From my point of view it would also be advantageous if you contact the Ex-recording girlfriend, also in the interest of the child. A small child needs it, that important reference persons to cooperate, e.g., because of allergies, diseases, TV times, sthe bad habits, travel, clothing, etc.

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frustrated, I think, that so far a lot of integration work is happening, patchwork families require. It would be important that you discuss with your Partner and say clearly, what place do you want to take and what not.

To the subject’s own child, I can only say that your Partner has made a clear announcement. He would not have another child. I would recommend that you accept this as a given and prefer to consider whether it is right for you is to have no children of their own. If not, you are young enough to start with another Partner, even a family of your own.

greetings,

Julia Peirano