dear Dr. Peirano,
Now I’m completely unexpectedly, the victim of the so-called “Ghosting”. I have since the spring of 2017 with a love affair with a Danish woman. It was pretty complicated, because I live in the South of Germany and in Denmark, besides, she was still with her Ex-husband in the separation process. A lot of hassle, a lot of Back and Forth, the child was involved in the dispute. It was very tiring for you. Your Job (social worker) and its a bit strenuous little daughter came. My girlfriend was often done, powerless and depressed, so rare. Sometimes they said our long-awaited Meet, in the short term. I was hurt. We saw each other very rarely, once every few months, but talking on the phone and a lot of chatting. Very intense and open discussions. A Passionate Sex.
According to what you said, I was her absolute dream man. I believe her, too.
We are (or must I say were?) both very violently in love with each other. However, I have also suffered more often from the way in which she eluded me and said, what was going on. Four weeks ago, she has not reported, then out of the blue at all. We really wanted to see us on the weekend… There was no fight, nothing Hurtful between us. But suddenly she was gone.
Dr. Julia Peirano: The secret Code of love
I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.
information about my therapeutic work, see www.julia-peirano.info.
you Have questions, problems, or heartache? Please write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page).
of Course, I wrote her and told her that I was Worried. Then I wrote upset and asked for a statement. Nothing. No Answer. I called under an assumed name at work, and asked after her. You worked for. So she’s alive and healthy. I don’t know whether I should be angry or understanding to have, because it is so bad.
I am now completely confused, sad, angry, perplexed. I’m not sleeping well, dreams of terrible things, and Wake up in the morning. My thoughts only to you and to us. I don’t know that it is up to me. No, nothing has happened. She has strong feelings for me. But why don’t you do that to me, that you are talking about? How should I conduct myself? I can’t move on, but just after 1.5 years! In addition to that, we have booked in three weeks and a weekend in London, with the Hotel and all the trimmings. My birthday gift to you. Should I travel alone? You remember? I feel so stupid that I have to now behind your back an forth to clarify something that was actually clarified for a long time and part of the deal.
I don’t know if it’s just a break – But why do you say nothing? – or the end.
The whole story is wearing me down and hits me in the truest sense of the word, on the stomach, I was dead tired heart racing, I’m nervous and at the same time.
How can I best deal Ultrabet with it?
greetings,
Philip B.
Dear Phillip,
It is for people (and for animals) unbearable, if someone close to you suddenly disappears. Instinctively, you search tirelessly for the missing people or searches for an explanation for the Disappearance. If you imagine the disasters that have happened (dead, sick, needy, injured…) and the offset, of course, in a state of alarm. I’ve seen in a movie, even a mother Bear looking for her Cub. She ran excited and visibly troubled through the area until she found the happiness of your child.
so It is a deeply ingrained, biological reaction to an unexplainable loss. You can’t resist, that one is under a lot of Stress, can’t sleep, excited and nervous. Because the reaction is so deep-rooted and not over the head, it does not help much that you know that your girlfriend lives, and even can work. For you, it is gone. And you left no explanation to the sudden separation. The is violently.
J. Peirano: The secret Code of love frustration instead of fun: Almost all of the men were in bed a disaster
we take a Look at the Situation of your friend. Maybe that helps the Situation for a better understanding. Your friend sounds like he’s fighting in at least three different fronts: daughter, Ex-husband, Job. It has found in your “dream” Partner, but you can’t help her in everyday life. You are not there, and, apparently, a common future is more of a dream than a Plan. It sounds as if your girlfriend is not on the inside nor truly free for a new partnership. The strong feelings they trigger in you, therefore, confusion and Stress. While you are clear in your mind and the relationship with her could have been her friend lately, very upset, because the relationship with them has led her painfully of how life could be. By your own Stress and your little breakdowns, you may have the feeling to satisfy you. You don’t know where the relationship with them that makes you afraid.
she is currently overwhelmed probably with the other fronts (child, Ex-husband, work) so that you have to push a topic to the page, and you are. It puts a break to know probably without, as long as she needs this break, and whether it means a break or even the end.
Apparently, she is someone who can abmacht his feelings with yourself and difficult to speak about what’s going on in your. Displaces the difficulties instead of solving them, therefore, the life crisis, in which it is located is likely to be caused.
she didn’t intend to hurt you. Nevertheless, it hurt you, of course, to be, and how air is treated ignored. This kind of behaviour shows a large degree of self-centeredness: you don’t think about how their behavior affects you. And it also shows that you did not enter an appearance, ultimately, trust. Trust would mean that she talks to you and says: “I can’t. I need a break.” Your girlfriend has destroyed the trust between the two of you on a fundamental level. Actually, it goes in a relationship to contact: I see you, I hear you, I’m going to show you, you can count on me. Your friend signals to you: “I treat dI like air, your feelings don’t interest me, I’ll leave you with an outstretched Arm starve to death.” Ask yourself whether you can ever forget, even if you return to them someday.
fortunately, you know that you have done nothing wrong and that the feelings of your girlfriend, for you, were rather too strong than too weak. Yeah, that helps your self-esteem.
you ask how they should now behave. The concrete subject first: At the Best you consider how YOU want to use the weekend in London. Alone? With Friends? To stay at home? You don’t expect with your girlfriend.
treat yourself to a period of radio silence, to come to rest and gain distance. You don’t look at social networks, what makes them. You no longer write to her. It is clearly up to her to respond. You can handle the separation: you now have the hard task of clean up everything and to clarify. Only alone, without her friend. Take all the time in the world for your feelings. You go for a walk, mourn, rage, will talk to you in thoughts with her. It is important that you realize that you don’t have to wait for the helpless, whether your girlfriend comes back. You can leave at any time. Maybe you don’t get one day, maybe. Maybe my presentation that you can give the statement to yourself will help you.
If you have lived your feelings, you will be able to one day, with this story complete. Your girlfriend, however, is torment, the separation, and your “Ghosting” longer. You will regret it and be ashamed that you behave towards them, and they lost.
All the best to you! Warm regards, Julia Peirano
