dear Dr. Peirano,
I don’t know more and am Worried about our family. My husband gets upset over every little thing fierce and roars around then. It was the boss, the colleagues, a driver who took a Parking lot, the waiter who forgot a snack or a Cola too much on the account of a “bad” view from any of the Turks on the road, one of our daughters, playing too loud has written, if he wants to sleep.
My husband flips out, roars, with passers-by (a couple of times it came almost to blows). A couple of Times, he yells are the girls and you threatened that he sends you out of the house, if you annoy him more so. Since I have become really angry.
I have no fear of him, because he has never done anything to me and never would do anything. But to our daughters (7 and 4) and I’m Worried. To create the ears and be quite stiff, if he gets upset again. The Small was actually dry, but wets after a particularly violent situations.
I really don’t know what to do. I have the feeling that I must protect him, and prevent him to hurt someone, but I also need to comfort the girl, and at the same time, I have to calm him down. Afterwards sorry for him really and he is very small according to the. But then it happens again.
What do you advise me?
greetings,
Constanze
dear Constanze B.,
I must say that I admire it very much, that you can stay so calm and level-headed when her husband snaps.
you can try in the anger-situations, something that can create a man alone, never, you want to calm down two little girls, your man in front of dangerous actions to protect and at the same time ensure that he reacted. You can never make it alone. It would be good if you don’t focus on the most Important thing is not to overextend yourself.
Dr. Julia Peirano: The Casinoslot secret Code of love
I work as a behavior therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese. In my PhD I have done research on the connection between the relationship of personality and the luck in love, and then two books about love written.
information about my therapeutic work, see www.julia-peirano.info.
you Have questions, problems, or heartache? Please write to me (maximum of one DIN-A4 page).
From my point of view, the girl in front clearly. They are 4 and 7 years still to small to be left unattended. Therefore, you need to stay close to you, especially when something Disturbing or Dangerous is going on. The girls feel very well that your father is very angry and has lost control. This is very threatening for small children because of the parents safety and protection. The girl may be afraid that her dad would do something, die or go to jail if he hurt someone else something. Who knows exactly what to brew for fantasies in the minds of children? It is obvious that you have also afraid that he might hurt you a little, after all, he has threatened to send her away. It is very important that you go out with the girls in a safe Situation (far away from the father), you calm down and explain to them what is going on with your father.
With a probability bordering on certainty, the girls take a long-term emotional damage, if you are exposed to the other of these situations. You learn to be invisible, to pull no Trouble. Shame on you, you have fear, you will be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings. This shock is called “learned helplessness.” If the girl in the rage of her father would be more stuff inside, it is obvious that you are looking for later violent Partner, psychosomatic problems, or addiction-related illnesses falls.
Therefore, it is important that you discuss with your husband in a quiet Moment that you will leave during his next tantrum with the girls, to bring them to safety. To show him what damage he does to the girl, if he loses in front of you to be in control, and you tell him that you will no longer be a part of it. The new rule means that He must react on its own (running, swimming, Punching Ball…) and can only come back into the family, when he has calmed down.
Sure it would be for him to support when he attends a self-help group on the topic of “men against male violence”. There he would learn to get his impulses under better control and to go out of the Situation, if something annoys.
I very much hope that your husband can learn with his anger.
greetings,
Julia Peirano
