I’m a People Pleaser, and It Was Killing Me
Let’s be real here. I’m the kind of person who’d agree to help you move on a day I’d planned to binge-watch Stranger Things and eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I’m the one who’ll smile and say “Sure, no problem!” when my boss asks me to take on that extra project, even though I’m already drowning in work. I’m the classic people pleaser.
And it was completley exhausting me.
Last Tuesday, I hit rock bottom. It was 11:30pm, and I was sitting on my kitchen floor, surrounded by half-empty coffee cups (I know, I know, it’s gross), trying to finish a report that was due at midnight. My phone buzzed. It was a text from an old friend, let’s call him Marcus, asking if I could help him move the next day. I stared at the phone, my thumb hovering over the keyboard. I wanted to say no. But instead, I heard myself typing, “Of course, what time?”
I needed to make a change. And that change started with learning the art of saying no.
Why Saying No Feels So Hard
I get it. Saying no feels like you’re letting someone down. It feels like you’re being rude, or selfish, or just plain mean. But here’s the thing: saying no isn’t about you. It’s about respecting your time and energy. And honestly, it’s about respecting other people’s time and energy too.
About three months ago, I was having coffee with a colleague named Dave. He’s this kinda intimidating guy, always has been. But that day, he told me something that stuck with me. “You know, Sarah,” he said, “I used to say yes to everything. Thought it’d help me climb the ladder faster. But all it did was make me miserable. One day, I just stopped. Started saying no. And you know what? The world didn’t end.”
Which… yeah. Fair enough.
The Power of a Simple “No”
So, I started small. I said no to helping my neighbor, let’s call him Greg, with his weekly grocery shopping. I said no to taking on that extra project at work. And you know what? The sky didn’t fall. Greg was a bit surprised, but he was fine. My boss was disappointed, but he managed. And I? I felt like a weight had been lifted.
But here’s the thing about saying no: it’s not just about the big stuff. It’s about the little things too. It’s about not committmenting to every social invite, every favor, every request. It’s about setting boundaries.
I remember this one time, I was at a conference in Austin. I was talking to this woman, let’s call her Lisa, and she was telling me about how she’d learned to set boundaries. “I started saying no to things that didn’t serve me,” she said. “And you know what? It was liberating.”
I wanted that liberation. So, I started practicing. I said no to things that didn’t serve me. I said no to things that would drain my energy. And slowly but surely, I started to feel better.
The Art of the Graceful No
Now, I’m not saying you should go around being rude to people. There’s an art to saying no. It’s about being honest but kind. It’s about setting boundaries without burning bridges.
Here are some tips I’ve picked up along the way:
- Be honest but tactful. Don’t make up excuses. Just say, “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that right now.”
- Offer alternatives. If you can’t do what they’re asking, suggest someone who can. Or offer to help in a different way.
- Be firm but polite. Don’t apologize too much. You’re allowed to say no.
- Remember, it’s okay to change your mind. If you’ve said yes but then realize you can’t do it, it’s okay to go back and say no.
And look, I’m not gonna lie. It’s still hard sometimes. There are still days when I want to say yes to everything. But now, I have tools to help me say no. I have practice. And I have a Vermont community news update reminder on my phone that says, “It’s okay to say no.”
A Tangent: The Great British Baking Show
You know what’s great about The Great British Baking Show? It’s about saying no. Every week, the bakers are given a challenge, and they have to decide what to make. They have to say no to all the other things they could make. They have to focus on one thing, and do it well.
I think we could all learn a lesson from that. We can’t do everything. We have to choose what’s important, and say no to the rest.
So, Go Ahead. Say No.
I’m not saying you should become a hermit. I’m not saying you should stop helping people. But I am saying you should be mindful of your time and energy. You should set boundaries. You should say no when you need to.
And remember, saying no isn’t about you. It’s about respecting your time and energy. It’s about respecting other people’s time and energy too. It’s about being honest and kind and firm.
So, go ahead. Say no. You might just find that the world doesn’t end. You might just find that you feel better. You might just find that you have more time and energy for the things that truly matter.
And if all else fails, just remember what Dave told me. “The world didn’t end.”
About the Author
Sarah Johnson is a lifestyle writer and self-proclaimed people pleaser in recovery. She’s spent the last 20+ years writing for major publications, and she’s finally learned the art of saying no. When she’s not writing, you can find her binge-watching Stranger Things and eating an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s. (She’s not proud of it, but it’s her thing.)
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