mother is crying, father yelling, and in the worst of cases, things are going to break or people are injured: There is hardly anything that can condition a child to more trauma than strife and violence in the intimate network of the family.
Many of us know this, have experienced it themselves. No wonder that the phrase “Not in front of the children!”, maybe already since the stone age culture is shared across. Parents for whom this is Probably their offspring at heart, try to protect these against the negative aspects of a human relationship too soon.
The only Problem is: the dispute is normal, and it is not the is not live.
And that, say the latest studies, with the children. As is so often the subject of education, it is about authenticity: The “thick air” the child feels already, if the dispute is based in a subtle way. The child to leave the host, and a solution to the looming conflict, not experience, may mean that it suggests neither the dispute properly, still learning how to deal with such a conflict. In the worst case, the clever child believes to be the reason for the dispute or that the stability of the family is threatened.
In case of doubt, say the psychologists, Helena Rose Karnilowicz, Sara F. Waters and Wendy Berry Mendes in a in the Journal “Emotion” study published, is detrimental to the experience of all the children more than a real dispute between the parents. More still: A real parents quarrel, argue the authors, is even good for the children.
the trick is, above all, a proper culture of debate. Because, of course, an Excess of acting on verbal or even physical violence traumatizing. As children learned mainly on the model, stamping a deal with each other, the behavior of the child. Negative emotions are almost contagious – even if you try to hide them.
Fake behavior of stressed kids
Whether the natural, in every relationship eventually the inevitable parental dispute use the child to shame or medium term even, hanging out in front of all of them, how , the parents argue – and whether and how they explain it to the child. In case of doubt, acted irritated, but the “real” active parents more positively to a child than parents who try to hide their negative emotions.
And according to meadows, the researchers even in the Experiment: they exposed 109 parents of intense Stress and confronted them in a direct Betorder connection with the task to build under the instruction of their children, who were not allowed to intervene, a specific object out of Lego – a task that forces all parties Involved to close cooperation. A group of parents got no further instructions. The other was asked to hide their emotions as far as possible in front of the child. All of the Participants were observed and their Stress-associated bodily functions monitored.
The result: The “real”, in case of doubt, so also impatient or irritated active parents cooperated closely and effectively with their children than the control group, was trying “not to act”, so to show their negative emotions. More than that: The Stress and resentment of the “fake” acting parents passed on to their children – they felt that something was “right”.
With a gender-specific with the exception of The children reacted more strongly when their mothers expressed their feelings, as if this did their fathers. Waters and colleagues assume that it is culture – and gender-specific behavior mirrors patterns and expectations. That men their feelings, is recorded of the children, apparently as a “normal”, as if women do.
For Sara Waters and her colleagues are all the logical results with implications for the daily interaction of parents and children. At appropriate doses, negative emotions did not disturb the relationship of parents and children and for the young, harmless – they contribute to experience a Situation as “real”. The mean for Parents but also that you have to learn to argue correctly: the conflict and its solution need rules and boundaries.
How to argue properly?
Negative emotions, argues psychologist Sara Waters, in a press statement on the publication of the study, it is necessary to learn to Express “the healthy way”. Anyone who disputes cultivated, could leave his children also witness: the child will learn how the dispute is based, how to deal with the dispute and, in the ideal case, the conflict at the end solves.
it needs To be in a relationship dispute – as is the case with any other fight sport rules.
Here are a few suggestions for the dispute in otherwise intact relationships:
disputes over the matter, to fight not the other. Don’t get too loud. No insults and personal attacks. Swearing and emotional Feedback is okay, if it refers to the thing, not the Dispute (“This crap makes me so angry!”). Keep your distance: each body of law is in dispute off-limits. Argue with respect, to listen to also. Respond to arguments and accusations.
Is all this emotional not feasible, one should de-escalate the Situation by a temporal-spatial interruption: “now seems to have no purpose, we’ll talk when we’re all cooled off a little bit”. If the child was a witness of the conflict, you should leave it to the solution of part (i.e. at least explain what solution it is).
You should convey to the child that people argue from time to time with each other and that the dispute does not put the relationships in the family in question. If you are not able to find such a culture of debate or dispute, begins to shape the General mood in the family, you should seek help.
